10 Shocking Examples of Gaslighting That Will Make You Question Reality

"That never happened" - these words probably sound painfully familiar to many people. Gaslighting has become so widespread that Merriam-Webster named it their 2022 Word of the Year. The deeper you look into these 10 examples of gaslighting, the more you'll find how this manipulation affects people's lives.

The numbers tell a disturbing story: 74% of female domestic violence victims report their partners used gaslighting against them. This form of emotional abuse shows up in romantic relationships, families, and workplaces. Victims often question their own reality and struggle with serious mental health challenges like depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

These real-life examples will help you spot gaslighting tactics that range from denied shared experiences to dismissed feelings. You might have heard phrases like "you're too sensitive" or "everyone else thinks you're crazy." This piece will show you what's actually happening and teach you ways to protect yourself.

Denying Shared Experiences: "We Never Had That Conversation"

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"I never said that." These four words represent one of the most insidious gaslighting tactics: denying shared experiences. This manipulation creates deep confusion because victims see their reality constantly challenged by someone who confidently rewrites history.

The Memory Manipulation Tactic

A gaslighter's flat denial of conversations or events launches a direct attack on your perception of reality. They might look you straight in the eye and claim an agreement never happened, despite clear evidence. Here's what you might hear:

• "We never discussed that"
• "You're remembering things wrong"
• "That's not what happened"
• "I would never do that"

Memory-focused reality manipulation damages mental health severely. Your self-doubt and confusion about what's real grow with each denial, and your self-trust gradually erodes.

Why Gaslighters Rewrite History

Gaslighters rewrite history to gain power and dodge responsibility. Their reality distortion makes victims question their judgment and intuition, which creates dependency on the gaslighter's version of events.

This manipulation works on multiple levels. The blame moves away from the gaslighter's poor choices or harmful actions. They become the authority on "truth" and establish control through confusion. The victim's isolation increases as their viewpoint clashes with the manipulated reality the gaslighter presents.

How to Trust Your Memory When It's Being Questioned

Documentation of interactions becomes vital when facing this manipulation. A journal of conversations, saved texts or emails help you retain control. Witnesses present during important discussions can make a difference too.

Note that gaslighters want you to doubt yourself—that's their exact goal. Your confidence in your experiences needs regular reinforcement. You should calmly repeat what happened without getting pulled into arguments when they deny a conversation. Evidence might help, though many gaslighters will keep challenging your reality whatever you show them.

A support network of trusted friends provides external validation when someone questions your memories. Their viewpoint helps counter the isolation that gaslighters create through their constant denial of shared experiences.

Trivializing Your Feelings: "You're Making a Big Deal Out of Nothing"

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"It's not that big of a deal" stands out as the most common phrase gaslighters use. Someone who trivializes your feelings doesn't just dismiss your emotions – they systematically break down your reality.

The Psychology of Emotional Invalidation

Someone dismisses, rejects, or minimizes your feelings in emotional invalidation. They send a message that your emotions are wrong or unacceptable instead of acknowledging your experience. This invalidation shows up in several ways:

• Direct dismissal: "You're overreacting" or "You're making a mountain out of a molehill"
• Belittling comparisons: "Others have it worse" or "It's nothing compared to what I've been through"
• Pathologizing normal reactions: "You're too sensitive" or "You need help with your emotions"

Invalidation tells you that your emotional response doesn't deserve attention. Simple disagreement differs from gaslighting invalidation because it serves a specific purpose: control. People might make invalidating statements without meaning to, but gaslighters use them to manipulate your reality.

How Trivializing Affects Mental Health

Persistent emotional invalidation leaves deep psychological scars. Your emotional reality comes into question when someone dismisses your feelings repeatedly. This leads to serious mental health issues:

• Lower self-esteem and more self-doubt
• Problems managing emotions and trusting your instincts
• Higher anxiety and ongoing stress
• Issues with personal identity and feelings of worthlessness

Chronic invalidation can trigger more serious conditions. Psychologists call the distorted thought patterns that emerge "cognitive errors" – these patterns further damage your mental wellbeing.

Setting Emotional Boundaries with Gaslighters

You need clear boundaries to deal with someone who trivializes your feelings:

Start by spotting invalidation as it happens. These dismissive statements aren't harmless – they're manipulation tactics.

Express yourself with "I" statements that assert your experience: "I feel invalidated when you dismiss my concerns."

Stay consistent with your boundaries. Many gaslighters repeat learned patterns without realizing their impact. You might need to limit contact if they keep crossing your boundaries.

Your emotions matter, whatever others think or say about them.

Projecting Blame: "You're the One Who's Gaslighting Me"

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"You're the one who's gaslighting me!" These words hit differently when they come from someone who manipulates you. This represents one of the most disturbing gaslighting tactics: projection. Such reversal techniques leave victims feeling bewildered and defenseless against false accusations.

Understanding Projection as a Defense Mechanism

Projection happens when people attribute their unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to others. Gaslighters use this defense mechanism with a specific purpose: they escape accountability while protecting their self-image.

Narcissists and abusers employ projection to shed parts of themselves they don't want to face. They transfer their emotional baggage onto you rather than acknowledging their flaws or dealing with past traumas. A psychologist points out that projection helps gaslighters avoid guilt while portraying themselves as innocent victims.

Common projection phrases include:

• "You're the manipulative one in this relationship"
• "You're just trying to control me"
• "Everyone thinks you're crazy, not me"

When Abusers Claim Victimhood

This tactic has a name: DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). The gaslighter first denies any wrongdoing, then attacks your credibility, and finally positions themselves as the injured party.

The pattern would seem almost comedic in its predictability if it weren't so damaging. A narcissist who shows up late will accuse you of being chronically tardy. A cheating partner will bombard you with accusations of infidelity. A boss who breaks rules will claim you're the one doing wrong.

Maintaining Your Truth Against Reverse Accusations

Fighting back with similar behavior often triggers narcissistic rage. The best approach is to stay calm and collected. Showing their tactics don't work undermines their power.

Documentation becomes your best friend. A journal of interactions helps counter memory manipulation and reinforces your reality. Your trusted friends provide external validation that protects you from isolation tactics.

You should recognize situations where gaslighters bait you into arguments to play victim. Raise your concerns calmly without heated debates to prevent them from twisting the narrative. Your reality remains valid whatever their attempts to convince you otherwise.

Questioning Your Competence: "You Can't Handle This on Your Own"

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"Are you sure you're capable of handling this project?" This question signals competence gaslighting—a manipulation tactic where someone systematically undermines your skills and judgment by questioning your abilities.

Undermining Independence as Control

Competence gaslighting has one clear purpose: creating dependency. Gaslighters establish themselves as vital to your success by making you doubt your capabilities. The pattern follows distinct stages:

They start by studying your strengths and weaknesses. Next, they give "helpful" advice that deepens your insecurities [1]. The final blow comes when they push you aside after creating dependency, which further damages your self-worth.

Common phrases include:

• "You might want to think about how you come across when you speak"
• "I don't think you understood correctly"
• "You need help with your anger issues"

Gaslighting in Professional Settings

Workplace gaslighting becomes dangerous because it looks like constructive feedback [2]. Research shows supervisors often exercise unnecessary control, make employees question themselves, and create total dependency [3].

Managers use this manipulation by dismissing valid concerns, holding back important information, or claiming credit for their team's work [4]. Their victims suffer from lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and lasting stress that damages their professional confidence.

Rebuilding Self-Efficacy After Competence Gaslighting

Documentation marks the first step in rebuilding self-efficacy. Detailed records of your interactions and achievements protect you against memory manipulation [5]. Setting emotional boundaries helps you identify when "helpful feedback" becomes undermining.

Trusted colleagues who witness the behavior can provide reality checks against isolation tactics [2]. Mental health professionals stress that clear thinking protects you from manipulation during recovery [2].

Small, achievable goals help rebuild your confidence and belief in your abilities [6]. Learning to be assertive lets you express yourself without falling into the gaslighter's trap of dependency.

Your sense of competence shapes your self-image more than most other factors [7]. This fact explains why this manipulation cuts so deep and why reclaiming your capabilities becomes so empowering.

Using Collective Gaslighting: "No One Will Believe You Anyway"

Image Source: The Lancet

"No one will believe you" ranks among the most isolating phrases a gaslighter uses. This collective gaslighting tactic questions your reality and tries to cut you off from anyone who might confirm your experiences.

How Abusers Create Isolation

The life-blood of effective gaslighting is isolation. Abusers use calculated strategies to separate victims from their support networks [8]. Their original tactics seem harmless—they might suggest spending more time together or express discomfort about certain friends [9]. These suggestions gradually turn into demands as the abuser creates reasons to keep you away from loved ones [9].

The isolation process has these elements:

• Creating conflicts with your friends and family
• Monitoring your communications and interactions
• Manufacturing financial dependency to limit independence
• Spreading rumors to damage your credibility preemptively

A specific purpose drives this isolation: you become completely dependent on the abuser's version of events without external reality checks [8].

The Power of False Consensus

Collective gaslighting runs on the false consensus effect—people's belief that others share their viewpoints more widely than they actually do [10]. Abusers use this by claiming "everyone" shares their viewpoint [11].

Statements like "nobody will believe you" or "everyone thinks you're overreacting" create an artificial consensus against you [11]. This manufactured social pressure weakens your confidence to challenge the abuser's story. On top of that, it plants seeds of doubt about your credibility when abusers tell others you're "not stable" or "emotional" [12].

Finding Allies When Facing Collective Gaslighting

Detailed documentation becomes vital when dealing with collective gaslighting. Your grip on reality stays stronger when you keep records of interactions to counter memory manipulation [2].

You can find allies outside the abuser's influence circle. A single person who confirms your experience can shatter the illusion of consensus [13]. Professional support from therapists who understand manipulation provides a significant viewpoint when others question your reality consistently [2].

Note that many victims stay quiet because they fear disbelief [14]. Your power returns when you see these tactics for what they truly are—manipulation, not truth.

Reframing Abuse as Jokes: "Can't You Take a Joke?"

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Have you ever heard "It was just a joke!" after someone said something that hurt you? This common gaslighting tactic hides verbal abuse behind humor, and people don't deal very well with it.

The Humor Shield in Narcissist Gaslighting Examples

Narcissists often hide their aggression as jokes or pranks. They quickly blame you by saying you're "too sensitive" or "can't take a joke" when called out. This calculated joking helps them manipulate in several ways:

• They can deny harmful behavior
• You start doubting your emotional responses
• You become the problem when you feel hurt

A psychologist points out, "Verbal abuse can begin as small digs disguised as jokes" [15]. The abuser keeps their "good guy façade" while delivering calculated insults that "cut to the quick, touch the most sensitive areas, and leave the abuser with a look of triumph" [15].

Identifying When Jokes Cross into Abuse

Real humor makes everyone happy. Abusive jokes target weak spots and leave someone feeling smaller. The difference becomes clear when you look at these signs:

Abusive jokes repeatedly target your insecurities or weaknesses. The "joker" gets defensive instead of apologizing when you speak up. They use sarcasm and ridicule in front of others to maximize embarrassment [15].

There's another reason to worry when humor becomes a way to dodge responsibility. An expert explains it well: "When humor is used to belittle, control, or manipulate others, it crosses the line into abusive territory" [16].

Responding to Humor-Disguised Gaslighting

You can handle humor-disguised abuse effectively with these responses:

Don't get pulled in and name the real effect: "That felt hurtful rather than funny." You can also set clear boundaries: "I don't appreciate being the target of your humor" [15].

Walking away works best. Debates make their position stronger, but leaving the situation means you retain control [15].

This tactic is just another way to avoid responsibility while keeping power. You break its hold once you spot the pattern.

Withholding Information: "I Already Told You About This"

Image Source: Middle Georgia State University

Someone says "I already told you about this" but you can't remember the conversation. You might be experiencing a disorienting form of gaslighting: information withholding.

Information Control as Gaslighting

Information control stands as a powerful manipulation tactic. Gaslighters hold back vital details while claiming they've shared them. Their actions create confusion and make victims doubt their memory and perception. These manipulators often use phrases like:

• "I don't want to hear this again"
• "You're trying to confuse me"
• "We already discussed this"
• "I explained this to you yesterday"

This selective sharing of information helps them control others. Experts say it breaks down a person's self-trust and increases their reliance on the abusive person. Managers or colleagues in workplaces might dismiss ideas or withhold vital information that creates paranoia and self-doubt.

The Confusion Technique

The confusion technique creeps into relationships slowly. What looks harmless at first becomes a pattern that leaves victims feeling lost. Manipulators create cognitive dissonance by pretending not to understand conversations or refusing to listen.

Gaslighters use blocking and diverting tactics. They change the subject or question the victim's thoughts when confronted. This calculated approach plants enough doubt that victims question even basic memories. The slow destruction of self-confidence makes victims depend more on the gaslighter's reality.

Strategies to Verify Information

Evidence gathering becomes vital when someone withholds information. You should keep detailed records of conversations, save texts, and document interactions. Notwithstanding that, stay cautious—manipulators might access your devices. Here's what you can do:

1. Regularly erase search history
2. Store evidence in hidden or locked places
3. Send copies to trusted friends

The "trust but verify" approach works best. Trust needs continuous proof of worthiness. People must keep proving themselves trustworthy. To cite an instance, see how traveling with a partner gives you a chance to verify personal details they've shared before.

Assessment and verification remain your best tools to monitor trust—use them often.

Countering With Distractions: "What About When You Did This?"

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Have you ever found yourself in an argument where someone suddenly throws your past mistakes back at you? "What about when you forgot our anniversary last year?" This deflection tactic, known as whataboutism, stands out as one of the most frustrating examples of gaslighting in relationships.

The Deflection Strategy

Gaslighters move the spotlight from their actions to something else—usually your past mistakes or unrelated issues. This manipulation works as their shield against taking responsibility. Narcissistic gaslighters often respond to valid concerns with:

• "What about that time you lied about where you were?"
• "Everyone makes mistakes, you did the same thing"
• "You're accusing me after your behavior last month?"

Their smokescreen hides the real issue and forces you to defend yourself instead of addressing their behavior.

How Whataboutism Serves Gaslighters

Manipulators use whataboutism for several reasons. We noticed they dodge responsibility for their actions. The tactic drains victims through endless circular conversations that lead nowhere.

Gaslighters use deflection as their control tool. They paint you as equally flawed and create false comparisons that minimize your valid complaints. These tactics slowly twist reality and make you doubt your right to speak up.

Staying on Topic When Faced With Distractions

You can stay focused despite deflection attempts. These approaches help:

Start by acknowledging their point without losing track: "We can talk about that later, but let's focus on what just happened."

Use the broken-record technique—repeat your concern calmly without engaging their deflections.

Set clear boundaries: "Bringing up old issues won't solve our current problem."

Keep a record of these conversations to stay grounded in reality. Know when to pause the discussion until you can have a real dialog.

Feigning Innocence: "Why Would I Ever Do That to You?"

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A gaslighter's innocent-looking question "Why would I ever do that to you?" hides calculated deception. This simple question stands as one of the most dangerous examples of gaslighting that makes you doubt your suspicions even when you have clear evidence of manipulation.

The False Innocence Tactic

Gaslighters act shocked or hurt when you confront them about their behavior. They use this tactic to dodge responsibility, protect their image, and make you second-guess what you see. Covert narcissists are masters of this manipulation and often say things like:

• "I would never intentionally hurt you"
• "You know how much I care about you"
• "I can't believe you would think that of me"

Their convincing show of innocence creates mental conflict. You see the evidence that contradicts their denial, but their performance makes you question yourself. They end up turning everything around and blame you just for suspecting them.

Covert Narcissist Gaslighting Examples

Covert narcissists prefer passive-aggressive behavior over direct confrontation. They respond to criticism by pulling away emotionally or giving you the silent treatment while keeping up their innocent act.

These narcissists love to play victim. Even with clear proof of their wrongdoing, they put themselves down to bring out validation from you. To name just one example, see how a covert narcissist who loses money through their mistake makes you feel guilty while asking for sympathy.

They also excel at shifting blame. When faced with their actions, they'll say you caused their bad behavior—"I only did that because you made me feel insecure."

Trusting Your Instincts Despite Manipulation

You need to document everything to trust what you see. This manipulation runs on confusion, so detailed records of interactions help fight memory manipulation.

Look for behavior patterns instead of single events. Note that narcissistic rage often surfaces when you set boundaries, so keep your emotional distance during confrontations.

Listen to your gut. You didn't question your reality before the gaslighting started. Your current self-doubt shows manipulation at work, not your instability.

Pathologizing Normal Reactions: "You Need Help With Your Anger Issues"

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Dismissing legitimate hurt by saying "You need help with your anger issues" is a dangerous form of gaslighting. Abusers use this tactic to make normal emotional responses seem like mental disorders. They deflect blame from their actions to your supposedly "unhealthy" reactions.

Normal Emotions Labeled as Disorders

Gaslighters in abusive relationships turn appropriate emotional responses into signs of mental instability. This manipulation questions your mental health instead of just dismissing your feelings. They use phrases like:

• "You're unstable—everyone sees it but you"
• "Your reaction shows you need therapy"
• "This is why people think you're crazy"
• "You're being paranoid again"

Your expressions of hurt, frustration, or anger after mistreatment are normal, healthy responses. Yet gaslighters label these reactions as signs of disorders. This creates cognitive dissonance between what you experience and their manufactured reality [17].

Medical Gaslighting Examples

This pathologizing happens in healthcare settings too, known as "medical gaslighting." Healthcare providers often dismiss real physical symptoms as psychological issues [18]. Studies show women and racial minorities face this dismissal more often. Their symptoms get attributed to anxiety, stress, or mental health conditions without proper investigation [19].

Patients suffer needlessly from delayed diagnosis and lose trust in healthcare because of this dismissal. Doctors often default to psychological explanations for unexplained symptoms. Women are twice as likely to have heart disease symptoms attributed to mental health conditions [19].

Proving Your Emotional Responses Right

Trust in your emotional reality needs rebuilding. Validation helps heal—victims of gaslighting often doubt themselves and question their sanity [20].

Keeping a journal of emotional experiences creates proof against memory manipulation. Support from trusted friends helps fight isolation tactics [20].

Professional support from therapists who understand emotional abuse can provide valuable insights. Note that your emotions are valid indicators of your experience—whatever others think or approve [21].

Comparison Table

Conclusion

Gaslighting shows up as sophisticated manipulation tactics that erode self-trust and reality perception. Research shows that gaslighters want to establish control through confusion and self-doubt. They use denial of shared experiences, emotional invalidation, and blame projection as their tools.

Your strongest defense against reality distortion is proper documentation. You should keep detailed records of interactions, save all communications, and maintain a journal. These steps help anchor your experiences against manipulation attempts. A network of trusted allies can provide external validation when others question your perceptions.

Knowledge about these manipulation tactics enables change. You can spot gaslighting behaviors early and protect your mental wellbeing once you understand how it works. Start analyzing now to identify potential gaslighting in your relationships and create healthy boundaries.

Your feelings, memories, and experiences are valid. Gaslighters try to undermine your reality, but you can stay grounded in your truth. Support from others represents your path to freedom from manipulation. Trust your instincts - they often detect gaslighting before your conscious mind does.

FAQs

Q1. What are some common signs of gaslighting? Common signs of gaslighting include denying shared experiences, trivializing your feelings, projecting blame onto you, questioning your competence, and using collective manipulation tactics. If you frequently doubt your own memory or perception of events due to someone else's contradictory claims, you may be experiencing gaslighting.

Q2. How can I protect myself against gaslighting? To protect yourself against gaslighting, keep detailed records of interactions, maintain connections with trusted friends for external validation, and trust your instincts. Setting clear boundaries, staying focused on the original issue during arguments, and seeking professional support can also be helpful in countering gaslighting tactics.

Q3. Can gaslighting occur in professional settings? Yes, gaslighting can occur in professional settings. It may manifest as a manager consistently dismissing your ideas, withholding crucial information, or undermining your competence. If you feel your professional confidence is being eroded due to manipulative behavior from colleagues or superiors, you may be experiencing workplace gaslighting.

Q4. How does gaslighting affect mental health? Gaslighting can have severe impacts on mental health, including decreased self-esteem, increased self-doubt, difficulty managing emotions, and heightened anxiety. Chronic exposure to gaslighting can lead to more serious conditions and create distorted thought patterns that further undermine mental wellbeing.

Q5. Is it possible for someone to gaslight unintentionally? While gaslighting is often intentional, it's possible for someone to engage in gaslighting behaviors unintentionally, especially if they've learned these patterns from past experiences. However, whether intentional or not, the impact on the victim can be equally harmful. It's important to address these behaviors and set boundaries, regardless of the gaslighter's intent.

References

[1] - https://www.alliedonesource.com/leadership-under-fire-exposing-and-defeating-gaslighting-tactics-in-the-workplace
[2] - https://therapygroupdc.com/therapist-dc-blog/unmasking-gaslighting-recognizing-and-overcoming-emotional-manipulation/
[3] - https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/05/07/2-obvious-signs-of-workplace-gaslighting-from-a-psychologist/
[4] - https://www.culturemonkey.io/employee-engagement/gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
[5] - https://chicagocounselingandtherapy.com/gaslighting-at-work-navigating-manipulation-in-professional-settings/
[6] - https://palmcoastts.com/healing-from-narcissistic-gaslighting/
[7] - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022103121001104
[8] - https://www.ncdv.org.uk/isolation-tactics-how-victims-of-domestic-abuse-fall-into-the-trap/
[9] - https://www.therapycts.com/blog/2020/11/11/six-warning-signs-of-isolation-and-emotional-abuse
[10] - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202408/how-the-false-consensus-effect-warps-our-online-reality
[11] - https://embraceinnerchaos.com/narcissistic-gaslighting-signs/
[12] - https://themendproject.com/how-victims-experience-secondary-abuse/
[13] - https://mindforest.ai/post/manipulation-relationships-protect-yourself
[14] - https://www.healthline.com/health/battered-woman-syndrome
[15] - https://www.yourtango.com/heartbreak/verbal-abuse-disguised-as-humor
[16] - https://menstoolbox.org/exploring-the-fine-line-between-humor-and-abuse/
[17] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
[18] - https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/what-to-do-about-medical-gaslighting
[19] - https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-medical-gaslighting-6831284
[20] - https://themendproject.com/what-to-say-to-victims-of-abuse/
[21] - https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673